I’m very good at compartmentalizing. At dealing with A this way, dealing with B this way, not dealing at all with C over here.
One of those compartments – and y’know there’s more than one hahaha – holds parts of myself that I’ve rejected, deemed unacceptable in some way.
And because those parts are living in my subconscious, I’m not aware of them until I take a look at the patterns driven by those subconscious parts.
Case in point: Weight loss.
On Monday, 6/26/17, I started prepping for my next powerlifting meet in mid-September. The training’s easy, I can do that no problem.
The weight loss on the other hand? Not so much.
On the surface, I want to lose weight for competitive reasons as well as health ones.
If I lift more at lower body weight, I’m considered stronger by coefficient. I’m also pre-diabetic, and my doctor wants me to lose 10% of my bodyweight to improve my A1c numbers.
I’ve gained and lost hundreds of pounds since I was 8 years old. Round and round on the rollercoaster I go.
Binge then restrict? Check.
Self-criticize to get smaller? Check.
Last week I had a body shame and rejection attack.
Yes, I ended up crying and feeling my feelings on camera, and posted it in a Facebook® group. (The photo is a screen capture from that video.)
Then a couple days later I did it again. Crying and feeling my feelings on camera. And yep, posted that one too.
Talk about vulnerability.
Talk about shame.
Talk about “WTF was I thinking?!?!?!”
Rejected parts of myself (aka “demons” or “shadow”), were honored. Were witnessed. Were accepted not only by myself but by another human being.
And THAT was magical. Spirituality-in-action. Honest-to-goodness healing.
To fail in what I perceived to be a very public way, especially when it comes to my body, and still be accepted, is the real why behind the practices I do: Reiki. Meditation. Energy work. Writing. Forgiveness. Trusting my Guides. Surrendering.
Yes, they all serve my highest good.
The thing I forget though, is that dealing with crappy feelings, looking honestly at unresolved wounds, taking care of my own needs physically, emotionally, and spiritually, are all part of my highest good too.
I’ve added a new practice to play around with: Deep Fear Inventories.
Basically I write out at least 20 fears, stream-of-consciousness style, then read them out loud to someone else.
The discomfort of writing what comes up is ok, tolerable. The minutes before making a phone call to read them is less than ok; I’m usually an agitated bundle of nerves.
The reading out loud and being seen by a trusted person? AHHH-mazing. Like for reals.
It’s only been a few days, but I’m experiencing so much relief from seeing those hidden parts of myself, that it feels good to hug my demons, to love my shadow.
Bit by bit, I’ll hug them a little more, loving them a little more, to wholeness.
You too, are worthy of being seen. Of being honored. Of being witnessed. Today I honor and witness you, all of you: demons and shadows and goodness and light.